Smith

halleluja-buckley

[|hallelujah-video]

Alice was not dressed for the occasion. She frowned at herself, picking at the torn, yellow taffeta on her dress and pulling on her stale, curled hair. The spirals felt brittle in her hand, and she closed her eyes and focused on the feeling of them. She cleared her mind of what had just happened and let the thick hairspray stick to her fingers. Alice remembered her mother spraying the hairspray, the thick cloud falling on her head and shoulders as her mother muttered, “these will NOT fall out, Alice!” Her mother would be here soon…she thought. Alice pushed that thought out too and looked around the waiting room. There were three other people waiting. The one closest to her was a middle aged woman, who she had seen bring her son in. He had broken his arm-playing hockey, and she had heard his wails as he walked in the building and until he was taken into the emergency room. Alice shuddered…his wails were incomparable to the devastating silence of Adam in the stretcher. The next one was an Indian man, broad set and silent. He reminded Alice of a Buddha, sitting in the chair solemnly with his belly poking out from him. He was the most calm out of all of them, and Alice wondered why he was even here. The last was another man, dressed in a fine business suit that was disheveled. He was secluded in the far corner of the room, and no one came near him. They knew not to, Alice thought. His tie was undone and strewn around his neck, his sleeves were pushed up haphazardly. He hadn’t looked up since Alice had come in. He held his face in his hands, rubbing his eyes. Every few minutes, Alice thought she could hear small, muffled weeps come from his corner of the room. There was no comfort in the waiting room. A nurse came round, and everyone lifted his or her heads. The nurse called a name Alice didn’t know, and the mother stood up and rushed out of the room, her pace quick and anxious. Alice knew her mother was feeling the same anxiousness, the old man in the ambulance who looked over Adam told her they would call his mother and her mother. Alice thought of Adam’s mother…but stopped herself again. A voice burst into the room. It was her mother. “Alice?!” Alice stood up slowly, the soreness was kicking in…she could feel the sting in her legs and arms. Her mother rushed to her and enveloped her in her arms. Alice sighed into her shoulder, soaking in the warmth of her mother. “Oh my god…baby, look at you,” her mother said pulling away. Alice looked down. Her new yellow dress was torn, the hem now just scraggly threads. Her arm had one scratch; glass from her window had torn at her arm as she crawled out of her car. But her car was nothing compared to the crumpled mess that used to be Adam’s dodge charger. Alice’s mother started to cry. “Mom…” Alice said. She wanted to cry too, to let the sobs flood out of her, but she couldn’t. She sat back down in her chair and gently pulled her mother into the chair next to her. “So you’re okay?” Her mother asked through blurry eyes. “Yeah…it’s just…” “Who was the wreck with? They just told me it was you…and to come here…” Alice caught her breath. “Adam Cooper.” “The boy from school?” “Yeah…” Alice thought of him. //Adam Cooper.// He was known through out the school, he had straight A’s and played soccer for the varsity team. Only a junior. He didn’t date, though he could have, and he never really explained why he didn’t. The mystery of it all made him especially appealing to the girls at school, they would turn when he passed in the hallway, flashing eager smiles and sticking out their chests. I hit Adam Cooper, Alice thought. “What happened, Alice?” Her mother asked, her tears were gone. Now she was worried, Alice could tell from the wrinkle on her forehead. The same one she got when Alice wore a miniskirt or stayed out past curfew. Those things seemed so trivial now… “I was just going to the school…and…I don’t know, Mom. I was in a rush, I was on Davie road…I was just so eager to get there…and…”Alice took a deep breath, one that seemed to choke down her throat. “I didn’t stop for a yellow light. I hit the side of his car, Mom.” She stopped there. The sobs finally coming now, the sort that heaves from your chest, suffocating you. Alice’s mother didn’t touch her for a long time. She let her sob to herself, until finally she laid a hand on her back and shushed her. Her mother ruffled her brown hair, and said her name again and again until Alice lifted her head. “Yes?” Alice asked, her voice thick and unsteady. “All we can do now…is wait.” Alice absorbed the statement. She calmed herself and wiped the water from her face, she looked around the room, embarrassed for the scene she had made. She wanted silence, the heaviness of it to lie down on the room and let her rest. And for a long time that’s what there was. The door to her left creaked open, the one that gave entry to the waiting room from the lobby. Alice looked to the left slowly and saw a woman. She was tall, with a bigger frame and tanned, olive skin. Skin like Adam’s. The woman’s face was hidden by a thick layer of black hair that was hanging over her face as she rushed by, straight to the door leading to the emergency rooms. Before she opened the door she turned back and looked over the room, showing her face. It was worn, like an old leather jacket, her wrinkles only emphasized by the look of worry on her face. She had black smears around her eyes. Her eyes wandered the room and rested on Alice, only for a second, before she turned and walked out, the door shutting loudly behind her. Alice knew that in that second…the woman had known. An understanding, that even at the age of fair age of 17, she knew would change the rest of both their lives. Her mother glanced at her, obviously having seen the exchange but said nothing. They didn’t say anything for a long time, just as they had done when Alice’s father died. Silence suited the both of them better. The nurse called the man in the corner out of the room, and he shuffled heavily still holding his face in his hands to the door. This left Alice and her mother with the Indian man; still as calm as he was three hours ago when Alice had arrived. The silence in the room grew stale, the air going thick with it. Alice felt herself fall into a daze, and she leaned her head on her mother’s bony shoulder. Today, she didn’t mind the poke she felt. It was a welcomed familiarity. The nurse came in again. And for the first time, Alice felt scared to lift her head. “Alice Oswald.” The nurse said, looking pointedly at her. She had harsh features, a beak nose and high cheekbones. Neither of which suited her. Her hair was bound in a tight bun, streaks of gray running through her black hair. Alice smiled half-heartedly though and stood up, wiping herself off and walked towards the nurse. Her mother followed her. They followed the nurse down a short corridor, Alice didn’t dare look into the rooms they passed and stared at the back of the nurse’s crocks. The nurse stopped next to the last room and gestured for Alice to walk in. What Alice saw made her drop to her knees. Adam Cooper’s body was draped in a white sheet, the moonshining in from the window and illuminating it gloomily. His mother was limp, hanging over his body…her sobs cold and broken.