Pressley

[|"Smile" Tamia]

Here I am again. Alone with Leila, my three year old Weimaraner. It seems as though she always knows when something is wrong. She wiped at my hand as I reached for another scoop of vanilla, cookie dough, and strawberry ice cream. “Leila would you stop. I’ll finish this pint, one season of “sex and the city”, read all my new magazine subscriptions, and then maybe I’ll feel up to taking you outside.” Leila rolled over to the other side of the bed to pout. “Oh Leila. I know you miss him too. But we’ll be fine right?” Leila digs deep under the cover to escape the question. I take a long deep breath. I guess to hold back any lost emotions. It felt like I had been crying for months and today was the first day I had managed to keep my eyes dry and I didn’t want anything to spark my water works. Jason and I had been together for four years, and last week, Sunday, February 13 6:47 p.m. he decided that a relationship wasn’t what he wanted anymore. Monday would have made five years. It kills me every time I think about it. Every time I walk past a photo of us. Every time I walk in the kitchen and remember staying up making cookies and watching movies in bed all night. Every time I lie down and think of him next to me. His scent still remains on our pillows. Every time I brush my teeth and look at the sticky note that says “Good morning beautiful! Today is your day (: I love you”. He always did sweet things like that. Every time I drive down old 95 and remember the hike up the mountain we took last Valentine’s Day. Every time I think of me without him it kills me a little inside and I cry. I cry until I can do nothing more but sleep. But today I just didn’t want to cry anymore. The phone rings as I walk from our room to the living room. I answer, “Hello?” “Girl if you don’t get your butt up and get dressed. I’m going to the boutique on 55th and you know I need my girl there to help me pick out some stuff. So, I’m right around the corner. Get dressed and I’ll be there in a few”. “ I don’t know Melanie. I’m really not up for shopping today.” “Girl you have been saying you haven’t been up to shopping for the past two weeks. I know that your having a hard time with the break up but its time for you to get up, emphasis on get up” she laughs “ And go out with me, please, please, please?” Laughing to cover up my annoyance, I agree to leave our home. The same home that felt so empty and alone since Jason left. The same home I felt so uncomfortable yet secure in. I had agreed to go out into the world again. The same world Jason left me in alone. Melanie pulls up in her drop top Benz wearing her designer sunglasses that hides her hazel eyes. Melanie’s complexion was the color of coffee, extra cream and she could be the face of Covergirl. She was single and always ready for a good time; the complete opposite of me. I met Jason my senior year in college. He was in Med school at UCLA and was best friends with my roommate’s (Melanie’s) boyfriend. At first I was so turned off by his charm. Yes I know his charm. The thing women are most attracted to and I hated it. He was so sweet and polite that it disgusted me to no end. And it wasn’t that I was into the ruff, thug, “what’s up ma” type guys, but Jason had this charm that I just couldn’t figure out. Eventually I agreed to go out with him and needless to say, we were inseparable since then. All of my time was spent with Jason, and if I did go out with a friend, Jason would come too. Except all girls events obviously, but he was my other half. “Alana mama! I’m so glad you got out of those sweats today.” Melanie reaches over to give me a big hug. “Well I figured if I didn’t go today then you probably weren’t going to leave me alone about it.” “Um, yeah your right!” We both laugh and headed to the city. I loved the ride into the city. I lived in La Jolla and its beautiful in the spring. The beaches are filled with seagulls and happy couples. The temperature was always perfect, not too hot or cold. Melanie put in a CD. Said she wanted to feel like Dionne and Cher from “Clueless”. As we get closer to San Diego, the words from the fourth song on Tamia’s album “More” begins to sink into my heart; “So I put on my makeup, put a smile on my face. And if anyone ask me, everything is okay”. I think I must have giggled a little because Melanie looked over at me and laughed, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so smiley all of a sudden?” Still smiling and giggling I reply, “I don’t know. I have no idea.” “Well whatever has changed your whole down and out attitude, keep it, because you’re going to need it today. We are going to live it up in the city tonight.” “What? I thought you said we were just going shopping?” “Well I lied!” Melanie laughs. “Mel, what about Leila? I didn’t take her for a walk before I left.” “Don’t worry. I already called your sister and she’s going over to check on her after she gets off.” I look at Melanie, first wanting to be mad about bringing me out to San Diego for an all girls night when clearly I was only prepared for a simple shopping trip that would only last a few hours, but then I smiled and thought of the fun I might have tonight. The first night out in a while that I spent without Jason. We arrived in San Diego around quarter till six. Melanie wanted to first stop for something to eat because she was starving. She said “The only thing I’ve eaten today is steak and eggs for breakfast, crab cakes for lunch, a turkey sandwich on the way to your house, and I just can’t wait to put my mouth on some lobster.” Melanie used to model in college and still had the figure of a Victoria secret angel. She didn’t have many girlfriends. “I’ll have lobster please”. The waitress looks at me “I’ll just have steak, medium well please.” Melanie adds “Oh and a bottle of Chateau Mouton please.” I was familiar with Melanie’s spontaneous ways, but I was totally shocked at her choice in ordering a $700 bottle of wine. “Wow Mel! Another surprise, or something more you need to tell me?” Very calmly she answered, “No.” I laugh. “No? Mel come on now. I’ve known you for how long now?” “Eight years” “Exactly! I know well enough that you are wild but never have you done something this wild for no reason at all. So really, what’s up?” “Lana, you’re my best friend. Matter a fact, your like my sister and it’s been killing me to see you this broken up about Jason. I know how much he meant to you, and I know that you two had been together for a long time, but sweetie you’re young. You have all the time in the world to find a man that will be there through thick and thin and never forsake you. Jason was a good guy but obviously the big guy upstairs has something else in store for you. So enjoy this moment, and just wait and watch all of the amazing things getting ready to take place for you.” As much as I wanted to cry, I didn’t. As much as I wanted to say “You’re wrong Mel. I won’t ever find someone like him.” As much as I wanted Jason back in my life, at that very second, and at that very table we sat at to eat steak and lobster, I realized that I would be fine without Jason. And even if I felt despondent, I would smile because it would be easier to hide the pain and possibly forget about the love lost than to ponder why it happened and what I could do to change it. So after we finished our meals, we headed off to the best designer boutiques in San Francisco, bought every attractive, nicely fit dress and shoes we tried on, rented a hotel for the night, partied at almost every club in close proximity to our hotel and I actually enjoyed that night with just me and my best friend. Melanie dropped me off the next morning at my house. It was definitely a different feeling from when I left the previous day. The house was still uncomfortable but now it no longer felt secure. Leila rushed to my feet as I walked through the foyer. I looked around this house that was once our home, now just my home and realized that it was a piece of our past. Jason and I had worked so hard and put a lot of energy into making this a home. We weren’t even married yet and I always used that as an excuse to why it was so hard to make it a home. Suddenly I realized Jason and I never had any type of unity. We were two people living together by habit and no longer love. Jason realized it and I was still caught up in this pretend relationship for so long that I failed to realize what was happening. This is why he never mentioned marriage and when he did it was always said to happen years from now. It was neither Jason nor I that was at fault in this relationship. Just as Melanie said, God has other plans, for both of us. I immediately called my friend Bethany who was a real estate owner and asked her about a place closer to San Francisco. I really wanted to enjoy the La Jolla scenery better from my front yard. More so, I wanted to completely start over. A new house, a new location, a new everything without Jason. Melanie and I had decided to stay in La Jolla for the weekend and enjoy the shops and eateries close to home. I had already talked to her about moving and of course she thought it was a great choice. She said, “A new beginning would be perfect with a new handbag.” I knew exactly what that meant, shopping. The shops in La Jolla were very expensive, but we both could afford it and I didn’t shop often so I thought why not treat myself. As I browsed through satin shirts, ruffled dresses and open and close the flaps to Vera Wang handbags, I recognize the smell of cologne that was so distinct that it almost shocked me. Maybe because the person wearing the cologne was now face to face with mine, or maybe because the person was Jason. “Jason” I say extremely surprised and almost awkward. “What are you doing here?” “I’m out with mom but can’t seem to find her and I thought I saw her walk into one of these stores but it doesn’t look like she’s in here.” Instantly I knew that Jason had seen me before I saw him. This store was for sizes 0-6 and his mom had clearly passed menopause 20 sum years ago and everything that was once perky had dropped like the bags under Oprah’s eyes. Needless to say, she served no purpose even looking at these clothes. “Well when you find her, make sure you tell her I said hi.” “Most definitely, I will. You look really good Lana.” “Thanks! You do too.” That moment we shared. That very second we stood there looking at each other, I wanted to break down into a billion pieces and confess how much I had missed him. It had just been three weeks now. Three weeks without waking up next to him. Three weeks without telling him a funny story of what happened to me throughout the day. Three weeks without his voice. Three weeks without “I love you”. I wanted to fall apart at that very second. But I didn’t. I remembered the kind words of Melanie, the song we listened to in the car, and my new beginning. I gently kissed him on the cheek and gave him one last hug, “Take care Jason.” I smiled and I walked away from him, from us.