Ayana

These brown eyes see, now. I gave so much of myself over the last four years, that I forgot about myself. I don’t believe that I really thought that I could get along without someone, but I lived that way. All the while, my happiness was disintegrating. Not, because someone else was causing my unhappiness, but, because I had forgotten how to make myself happy.

Naïve, gullible were all adjectives that described what I had been until recently. I met someone whose consistency was immaculate. I was impressed, and a lot sooner than later, I fell in love for the first time. Of course, I thought he was perfect. Although, I know I wouldn’t have thought this then that wasn’t what was special about him. What made him so special was the fact that he was my first. He was the person who received all of me, he held a heart filled with innocence in love. He had full trust, which I never should have allowed, because I see a pattern, a pattern that always gets me where I am now, nowhere. This relationship held all good intentions, but stupid actions. A relationship that made insecurities that carried on to the next. I had given so much to him, I had forgot to give back to myself.

I don’t believe I learned my lesson afterwards, because another came along and I gave more. I don’t think I realized the cobblestones I was lying out for myself.This one was just as convincing, except I was skeptical, because in order for this to work I had to make sacrifices. Which was stupid of me, because he didn’t have to make any sacrifices. Three months later, the results of my decision backfired on me. What I gave, I didn’t get back. My mother always said that being a part of a relationship is a risk, because you never know if the other person feels the same about you. I’m not saying that I’m scared of the risk, I just ask myself now is he worth the risk.

I’ve never celebrated Valentines Day, not, because I didn’t have anyone to share it with, but because it was never that important to me in the first place. So, when one of my classmates stated that Valentines Day shouldn’t be just about celebrating your love for someone else, but about self-love. Which is something I have been struggling with for quite sometime. Not that I don’t love who I am, but I don’t know what makes me happy anymore. This Valentines Day, I promise myself I will find my way back to that.